Critical Lens Peer Review (Received)

critical lens reverse outline

Writer’s name: Khamelia Jones 

Reviewer’s name: Mariam Quraishi 

Writer’s textContext: Brief summary, and then, essentially, “society determines what the average is so if someone does not fall into the bracket of average, they are considered normal. This idea places pressure on people who are abnormal to alter their appearance so they can fit in.”  Thesis: “Davis emphasizes that those are who are considered abnormal are not the problem but “the way normalcy is constructed to create with these people is the problem.” Society’s act of promoting normalcy is evident in Miss America pageants. Miss America pageants depict what an average body size in America looks like. This causes anyone outside of this average body size to consider themselves as abnormal. The Miss America Pageant constructs a “normal” body size that women of America should compare themselves to”

Notes: The context of the introduction is provided initially by summarizing the critical lens piece, “Constructing Normalcy”. The writer of the essay, Khamelia, gets to the point by providing the background as to why her thesis is important. She notes that people who do not fall into society’s definition of “normal”, by exclusion, are immediately considered abnormal. She also strategically italicizes the word “bracket”, perhaps to put attention to the idea that nobody is truly average, since the concept of “average” is just an aggregate. Despite the fact that there is variation even in the average, people still try to create narrow “brackets” of acceptability, in some form of hypocrisy. This italicization is a very smart and effective tactic.  Khamelia’s thesis creates a relationship between the critical lens and target piece in a way that links them in similarity. Khamelia clearly states that the Miss America Pageants support Davis’s claim that “the way normalcy is constructed” is the problem because it causes other people to view themselves as “abnormal”, when there really is nothing wrong with them. The Miss America Pageant just serves as another agent of “normalcy” that alienates people that fall outside of the “bracket”. In essence, the Miss America Pageant is an example to Davis’s theoretical statement. The only suggestion I would make is that perhaps the sentences could be combined to make the thesis more concise. For example, “Society’s act of promoting normalcy is evident in Miss America pageants, as they depict what an average body size in America looks like.”

Writer’s text Topic Sentence: 1) “In “Constructing Normalcy”, Davis focuses on the idea that normalcy has developed throughout history.” 2) “The Miss America Pageant originated in 1921 and still exists in modern day.” Maintain topic: 1) Davis then introduces the idea that “the bell curve became a symbol of the tyranny of the norm.” Those who fall under what is standardized are considered deviants. To stray away from this negative classification, one must become part of the norm. The classification of “deviant” was viewed as negative because eugenists grouped together all undesirable traits (Davis 17)” 2)  It faced major criticism from religious, women groups and was cancelled in 1927. However, it returned for good in 1935 with new rules for contestants. In 1938 each contestant had to be between ages 18-28 and participate in the newly added talent section (Insider, Shaw).  In 1947, they added a section that required all contestants to wear two-piece swimsuits. In 1948, the Miss America Pageant received their first Asian-American contestant. Cheryl Browne became the first black contestant of Miss America in 1971. Vanessa Williams was crowned the first black Miss America in 1984. After 1985, the pageant stopped putting contestants’ measurements in the program in efforts to remove focus on physical appearance (Insider, Shaw).  Tie in: 1) This placed pressure on those who were classified as deviants. Eugenists goals of eliminating undesired traits influenced following generations. This means that the idea of normalcy was translated into succeeding generations. 2) The timeline shows how the Miss America Pageant has evolved through history.

Notes: The topic sentences of both paragraphs clearly state what each of the sections are about. They both delineate that they will talk about the history and development of normalcy as a concept, and the Miss America Pageant respectively. Each of the paragraphs maintain the topic, as seen by the text above. The first paragraph also clearly analyzes the relevance of the history, by stating that the “bell curve became a symbol of tyranny” to those who are considered “deviants”. It also talks about the consequences on the actions of said “deviants” by mentioning that it prompts them to conform to the norm to avoid having negative and inaccurate associations placed onto them, and uses Davis’s texts about eugenists grouping all undesirable traits together with “deviants”. At this point it may be helpful to directly quote the Davis text as opposed to summarizing it, as it may add stronger support to the claim. At the end of the paragraph, Khamelia ties the section back to the thesis very well by noting that the idea of normalcy is so pervasive that it even passed down generations, thus increasing the pressure on those that did not adhere to the average standard. The second paragraph also follows the lead of the topic sentence as it outlines the history of Miss America Pageants and how they have changed over time. In this section, it may be helpful to add an analysis to explain how this evolving history relates to the Davis text or concept of normalcy/thesis in context. “In 1948, the Miss America Pageant received their first Asian-American contestant. Cheryl Browne became the first black contestant of Miss America in 1971. Vanessa Williams was crowned the first black Miss America in 1984. After 1985, the pageant stopped putting contestants’ measurements in the program in efforts to remove focus on physical appearance (Insider, Shaw).” As a reader this statement makes me wonder if Khamelia is implying that the Pageants are trying to break away from the norm a bit, by allowing participants to have individuality through their talents and also by including non-white women, basically acknowledging that whitness is not always the norm, but it is still not doing enough, because only one African American woman and Asian American woman had been included. It would be convenient, as a reader, to see that idea expanded on a little more and see  how that idea connects to the Davis text again.  Khamelia does a really good job of creating parallels between these two paragraphs; they are very similar in the way that they flow and the topics that they talk about. As a result, it may be helpful to combine the two paragraphs using a transition phrase after describing the connection between the history of the Miss America Pageants and the Davis text. For instance, it may be clarifying to say that “just as the Davis text places pressure on those classified as deviants, the history of the Miss America Pageants also [….]”. This is just a suggestion/example, of course the transition phrase can be structured however it feels comfortable/natural in the diction of the essay.

Writer’s text Topic: In “Constructing normalcy”, Davis’ idea that normalcy is generated by society is supported by the effects of the Miss America Pageant. Women in this time period who do not fit into this category [of white women who have not had an abortion] would consider themselves as inferior or abnormal. Davis states “This type of normativity in narrative will by definition create the abnormal.”  “From the year the pageant started –1921– till 1971, African Americans had no representation in the pageant. For a contest that is said to promote what the average and normal woman in America looks like, not seeing a single face that looks like yours could cause you to feel like an outcast. According to Davis, you would be considered abnormal and “deviant”–the term that is grouped with criminals.” With the Miss America Pageant being broadcasted to the public, women are “forced” to look at these contestants as a representation of how women should look in America.

Notes: The topic sentence is clear and it is very easy to see what Khamelia will talk about in this paragraph: how the two sources are similar.  I think the sentences above are very good at furthering the point that Khamelia makes in this essay. She introduces not only the concept of abnormality in a society that is obsessed with normality, but she also introduces the idea of “inferior[ity]” and feeling “like an outcast.” These phrases create a clear claim that the ideas of a normative society can definitely affect a person’s mental and emotional wellbeing, and may make them feel as though there is something wrong with them for being “deviant.” She further supports this idea by concluding the paragraph by reminding her readers that the term “deviant” is associated with “criminals.” Traditionally, criminals are seen as people who have broken the law or done something wrong (though that is not always the case). As a result, Khamelia implies that a person may feel as though they have done something wrong just for existing, because they don’t fit into the norm. These sentences in conjunction make an excellent argument, and the idea ties back into the thesis that normality can be a problem because it makes people feel bad about themselves.) Awesome job!!  The last sentence that I copy pasted also introduces the idea that normalcy in a society cannot really be escaped. Even if an individual did not agree with the norms imposed by society, she would be “forced” to see them again and again because they are so widely broadcasted. This is definitely an idea that I would love to see expanded on a little more, because it’s such a good point.

Writer’s text Before 1985, a person who did not have this standardized body size could not become a contestant in the pageant. Once again, these people would be considered abnormal or “deviant”. It is said that obesity today is prominent in poor societies due to affordable fast food (Insider, Willett). This contributes to these people being viewed as deviant–term grouped with poor–because they don’t have the “ideal” body shape. In order to remove this classification women would try and fit the “ideal” or “average” body type. In doing so, increased health problems in women emerged. Some methods taken to lose weight were unhealthy. For example, diagnosis of eating disorders such as bulimia nervosa and anorexia nervosa heightened in women. Other health problems that could have arisen in women were depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.  This supports Davis’ argument that “the way normalcy is constructed to create conflict with these people is the problem” (Davis 1). The normalcy that is constructed in the Miss America Pageants is the problem because it is the cause of the creation of abnormal and it is the root of the internal struggles that “deviant” people face.

Notes: This is an excellent paragraph!! Really elaborates on the reason as to why the construction of normalcy is an issue and uses direct examples from the Miss America Pageant situation to support. Khamlia cites the way “obesity” is linked to “poverty”, the same way “disability” is linked to other “undesirable traits” in Davis’s text. She goes on to note that this association is what makes people want to change to conform to a norm. She even goes as far as to explain that the desperation to not be associated with unrelated but negative things such as “poverty” is so strong that it could force women towards “eating disorders,” “anxiety,” and “self esteem” issues. These are concrete examples of the effects of feeling like an outsider in society. She even makes a direct tie in to the thesis by quoting Davis at the end, reminding the readers of the link between the two sources.  The dynamite sentence in this paragraph is the one I bolded above. She notes that the “normalcy” created by the Miss America Pageants is the “root of the internal struggles that “deviant” people face.” This is such a clear and explicit analysis of the situation!! Amazing job.  I would only say that you could consider adding a topic sentence that is related to the analysis, to give the paragraph some direction at the beginning, but other than that, nothing to say. Just really well done.

Writer’s textThesis restate:  With the Miss America Pageant being broadcasted to the public, women are “forced” to look at these contestants as a representation of how the “average” American woman should look. By the Miss America Pageant constructing a “normal” body size that American women should compare themselves to, self-conscious emotions cause health issues to rise in women. These are said to be the effects of past pageants because it has developed throughout the years. Although the Miss America Pageant has evolved, the body types of the contestants are still unvaried and considered to be thin (Figure 2).

Notes: Khamelia definitely restates the thesis in her conclusion as copied above. She cites how the construction of normalcy can be the root of many problems in “deviant” people’s lives, and uses the Miss America Pageant as an example for how that happens by saying that women are “forced” to look at supposedly “normal body sizes”, and consequently forced to compare themselves with what they see on these Pageants.  Khamelia closes off strongly with an additional analysis, noting that even when societal structures attempt to change, the change is very gradual and obviously not enough. This concept is connected to an earlier idea that Khamelia mentioned about there being a “bracket” of averages, even if one or two women of color are included in the “bracket” presented by Miss America Pageants, this is still a minimal effort, and several other things are still excluded, such as different body types. Solid statement and conclusion!

General notes: 

For MLA formatting, I think you can remove the underlining of the title, and make all the text Times New Roman in 12 size font. Awesome job!

Metaphor Essay Peer Review (Received)

Med 3 Metaphor Peer review

Writer’s Name: Khamelia Jones

Reviewer’s name: Anika Hassan

Part 1: The grading rubric. Assess the draft using the same essay I’ll be using for evaluation. Please keep the tone friendly, and offer as many suggestions as you can. Your writer may not enact the suggestions, but alternatives are always helpful in refining argument.

Criteria	Required elements
Comparative thesis statement	0 to 15 pointsThe introduction contextualizes and contains a comparative thesis statement. The statement references both the foundation text and a metaphor/language identified from a text outside of the Narrative Medicine texts. The thesis statement explains the relationship between the two metaphors and/or texts.
General comments	She introduces two works, “On immunity” and “The Anti-vaccination Movement: A Regression in modern medicine and contextualizes both of them effectively. She provides background for both of the texts but fails to provide a comparative thesis statement to tie it together. The text is informative and well thought out, but it is difficult to understand because of its structure and placement.
What is the thesis statement?	N/A
What is the relationship between the two metaphors?	Although she does not explicitly state the relationship between the two metaphors, she does hint at their possibility of having either a positive or a negative effect in the field of medicine.  “They are influenced to have either a negative or positive point of view.”
Definition	0 to 25 pointsThe initial metaphor is defined according to the foundation text’s author. The essay writer uses quotes and/or paraphrase from the foundation text to “prove” how the metaphor works according to the foundation text’s author. The second metaphor is similarly set forth.
Your comments and suggestions	The initial metaphor is defined and developed according to the text.She elaborates on the negative consequences the metaphors in “On Immunity” have on people. She clarifies that such metaphors are directly responsible for driving people away from vaccinations. “By using religion and beliefs in metaphors about vaccines, it forces one to look at immunization from a different perspective.”The second metaphor is also set forth in the same manner and also focuses on the role of religion in understanding these metaphors regarding vaccination“The metaphor harms the reality of vaccination by comparing it to going against God’s will.”Although she does incorporate all the aspects of the text, the writing itself is a bit confusing as it is not coherent. The thoughts are correct, but the structure makes it difficult to comprehend.
Comparison and Analysis	0 to 30 pointsThere is direct comparison of the two metaphors. The essay’s author explains why the two metaphors/ sets of language are being compared. Do they contradict or corroborate each other? Is there similarity or difference in the effect that the metaphor has? The essay’s author also explains, and provides evidence, that supports the comparative analysis.
Your comments and suggestions	There is a direct comparison present in her work and it encompasses the similarities between the two texts she chose. She highlights that religion plays a large part in both texts and contributes greatly to impacting people’s views on vaccination.  “The metaphors from both Biss and Hussain provide the same purpose and effect on viewers.”She addresses the reason for comparing the two texts and the similarities in language that contribute nearly the same effect on people. The two texts she elaborates on, support each other in that they both discuss the negative effects of metaphors surrounding vaccinations and the religious consequence as a result of these metaphors. The metaphors discussed are similar in the negative response they elicit from people and the misunderstandings they cause.“The metaphors in both writings obscure the reality of vaccination.”“Since the metaphors depict vaccination as going against God’s will–which is negative–it is seen to obscure the true meaning of vaccination.”The comparison between the two texts is very brief and makes use of concise statements. I would suggest incorporating more details and specific examples of terminology used in both texts to develop the writing.
Conclusion	0 to 15 pointsThe conclusion restates the thesis and refers to the leading question asked in the assignment: How does metaphor obscure or illuminate our understanding of suffering, pain, disease or illness? The conclusion summarizes the body content and ends with a unique statement relevant to the content.
	There is no reinstatement of the thesisShe makes general statements about the impact metaphor has on the medical field but does not elaborate on her findings in regard to the texts she analyzedShe doesn’t state whether the metaphors she analyzed obscure or illuminate society’s views on vaccinations. “This change can affect the person in a negative way by refusing correct treatments–vaccinations.”The conclusion is well written and does encompass major components of a good conclusion. I would suggest, however, to include a restatement of the thesis and the effects of metaphor in clarifying or obscuring the reality of vaccinations.
Mechanics	0 to 15 pointsCitation of sources is accurate both in text, and in the Works Cited list. There are few, if any, grammatical or punctuation errors. Formatting conforms to MLA 8 standards, and the essay is between 1000 and 1500 words.
	Since this is a draft, you don’t need to make comments on mechanics.

Outsider Narrative Peer Review (Received)

Khamelia Outsider Narrative – Peer review of Outsider(s) narrative

Writer’s name: Khamelia Jones

Reviewers’ names: Bailey Jeffries  (responses are in pink), Adebola Ademola (responses are in green)

Does your peer’s text fit the definition of a narrative? How? If so, why not? 

  (PS…make sure you understand the definition of a narrative when you answer this question)

The text does fit the definition of a narrative. She is describing the events that happened to someone else and how that correlated to being an outsider. This fits the definition of a narrative because it describes how someone was perceived as other than. 

Is the language natural? Does diction and tone match the environment, events, and characters depicted in the narrative? How so or why not?

The language is natural but it could use more complex sentences and more in depth descriptions. For example, in the text it describes the looks that the Sade’s co-workers were giving her so it would help to describe the stares she was receiving and how those stares made her feel. I think adding more description would add some more depth to this piece. The language is natural but is very simple. The diction is more of a telling so it explains the tone of the environment rather than shows it.

What’s the most memorable moment of the writer’s narrative? What struck you about this part of the writing?

The most memorable moment in this narrative is when Sade finally got an African American co-worker which made her feel more comfortable at her new job. This was a big turning point in the text. I think this should be separated into its own paragraph. A sense of relief was granted to the readers who were concerned with Sade’s new adjustment to this job, so it was very exciting to see that she wasn’t alone anymore. I agree with the aforementioned response. The most memorable moment was the introduction of Sade to the narrative since it brings a new element and creates a shift or climax in the story. 

Is there a part of the narrative that needs support, expansion or explanation? Which part and why?

Overall, this narrative needs to be divided into paragraphs and explained more in depth. For example, in the beginning, more explanation as to why she applied to this job and why she needed this job in general could be helpful with connecting your readers more to the story. More explanation could be used to discuss how Sade was being treated by her coworkers and to describe her relationship with her fellow African American co-worker. I believe that narrative needs to be expanded upon. Every point she makes can be separated into paragraphs for the reader to have more background knowledge and to aid in the flow of the story. The points she makes include, her friend getting a job, the language barrier she first faced, taking Spanish classes, the introduction of Sade, learning about her new co-worker, and a resolution paragraph of how they will overcome the language barrier. 

State the writer’s purpose for composing this text.

The purpose of the text is to describe the experience of a young black girl’s first job at a fast food restaurant where she felt isolated due to communication barriers. It made adjusting to this job difficult and she was unhappy until another black worker accompanied her and made her feel less out of place.  The purpose of composing this text is to allow the reader to understand the feeling of being the only kind of your race in a professional environment as well as the difficulties of not being able to communicate with others because of a language barrier. 

Is there an audience that you think would really respond to this narrative? What audience and why?

There isn’t a specific audience for this piece because it’s message is universal. Majority of people have experienced a time when they have been an outcast because they can’t speak the language of the majority. And many know that it’s always better when someone else is like you in that predicament so you both share the same struggle which brings the two of you together. This narrative could be understood by a wide audience but it more specifically applies to english speakers in a non-english speaking situation. I think that any general audience could relate to this narrative because we are all different in one way or another and it is those differences that make up the workforce today, specifically in the US or NY. 

What does this writer want you to take away from this narrative?

The takeaway of this piece is that being an outsider alone can be difficult and embarrassing. In Sade’s case, she couldn’t understand her co-workers, which was frustrating for both her and her co-workers. This was probably an overwhelming challenge for her to overcome on her own, so having another black co-worker there who now understands this struggle helped Sade feel less alone, even though they both were technically outsiders. This narrative describes that you can manage to overcome the obstacles associated with being an outsider and how having someone who empathizes with this struggle can help as well.  The writer wants the reader to leave with the feeling of hope instead of discouragement. The audience is left with a feeling of reassurance that they are not alone and that it is possible to overcome feeling like an outsider in your workplace. 

I-Search Paper Peer Review (Received)

Kristen Barsoum

Peer Review: Khamelia 

1. Do you “hear” the writer in this text? Where do you see the writer’s personal narrative or perspective? And, are there other voices speaking? Are there stories from other narrators represented?

While I do think Khamelia thoroughly explains her arguments, I do think she should involve more narratives. Maybe she can find a family or two that explain the pressures to provide for their family but not having the mechanisms to do such. The paper is very factual and effective in getting the points across but I think the overall message of the paper could be strengthened if we could hear the stories of individual people. Lastly, to enhance the writer’s voice, I would recommend that Khamelia doesn’t rely too much on the sources. Sometimes it’s better to just summarize a point than to keep quoting the text. I do however see Khamelia’s own perspective towards the end, where she will mention ways to combat the issue. I think this is a great way to conclude her paper, in which she will attempt to offer her own solution to this pressing issue. 

2. Is the layout for each paragraph organized in a way that is easy to understand? If not, what changes could be made?

I just wanted to start off by saying your paper is so interesting, and your research and arguments are great! In terms of organization, I think you did do a very good job. I particularly loved the part where you explained that the quantity and overbearing presence of fast-food chains, tremendously contributes to this growing issue of obesity amongst low income communities. You used an example in Texas and conducted some research of your own to show that unhealthier forms of fast food are over three times more present in a lower income area. 

The only thing I would recommend you fix is paragraph 5. The topic sentence is about increased health risks due to price disparities. While I do think you did a good job explaining examples of price disparities, I think you should talk more about the health risks. Some things I think you should focus on is: why this happens/ why is there a connection between the two (what’s in the fast food that causes this– grease, high salt, etc), short term / long term health effects, increased obesity rates in relation to increased presence of fast food chains. I just think because your thesis mentions obesity, you should spend a little time discussing how and why it’s caused. 

3. Are there any more connections that could be made between my sources that would answer my topic question?

I think using Farmer’s book is a great way to further your argument. Farmer discusses how many people are victims of greater suffering because of their poverty. In this case, the suffering would of course be obesity and its additional health risks it poses on an individual. You can argue that the social construct of money and wealth creates this barrier in achieving a healthy lifestyle. These people are forced to rely on consumption of cheaper foods, which directly cause unhealthy, long-term effects.